Tears and Rain
by DiTab1
Summary: Songfic - Dean's last thoughts/moments before being taken to Hell. Every time I listen to this song I think of this moment. Seemed to me that it was written for the show or should have been so I gave in and wrote it. Please R&R! Enjoy!


**A/N: Music and writing are my two great passions in life so I guess it was inevitable that I would have to write a songfic at some point. So, here it is, I hope I did the beauty of the song justice. I'd love to hear what you all think…and, as always, don't own them - only wish I did!  
**

_Tears and Rain – James Blunt_

_(CD: Back To Bedlam)_

_I wish I could_

_Surrender my soul_

_Shed the clothes that become my skin_

_See a light that burns within my meaning_

_I wish I had chosen_

_Darkness from cold_

_I wish I had screamed out loud_

_Instead I found no meaning  
_

The deal was done. The choice was made. There was no time left to try to find a way out. The clock was ticking. Dean thought about all of the things he should have done in his life. All of the things he had meant to do but never quite got around to. He thought about the way he had lived his life. Did he have regrets? Damn right, who didn't?

He had never quite let anyone in. He'd never allowed anyone to get too attached. What would have been the point? People always leave in the end. Mom left. Dad left. Hell, even Sam had left him. Of course, Sam had come back…thank God Sam had come back.

He was so used to putting up the front, being the tough guy, the hard ass. He didn't know how to be anything else. Sam was the sweet one, the sentimental one, the sensitive one. He would never admit out loud how much he envied Sam's ability to face his feelings head on, to wear them so openly. He often wished secretly that he could have let down his guard, just a little. Even now, staring death in the face, he couldn't find the strength to drop the façade and let out the voice that was screaming in his head.

Now, with time running out, he wondered what it had all been for. All of his sacrifice, his loneliness, his choices had led to this moment. He had lived hard and fast and he would die alone and broken. He had always known it would come to this one way or another. He'd always known that he would give all he had to protect the one person in his life that ever mattered, the only life that had any meaning to him, Sam. Sam would go on without him and that was ok..that was always how it was meant to be. Silent tears fell as he held in the terror that threatened to overwhelm him.

_I guess it's time I run_

_Far, far away_

_Find comfort in pain_

_All pleasure's the same_

_It just keeps me from trouble_

_Hides my true shape_

_Like Dorian Gray_

_I've heard what they say_

_But I'm not here for trouble_

_It's more than just words_

_It's just tears and rain.  
_

He never planned on selling his soul. It's not something you just wake up one day and decide to do. No, he hadn't planned on it but it had happened and there was no changing the fact that his bill was due. Some would argue that it wasn't that great of a loss. With the way that he had lived his life he was bound to end up in Hell anyway. So really, if you thought about it, he was just speeding up the inevitable.

How could they know that each of his actions up to this point in time were deliberate, calculated, intended to project the image that he had spent so long honing? No one, not even Sam, could understand that the real him, the frightened little boy that died the night his mother had died, was buried deep within. Liquor, women, fights…it was all a way to distract from the gnawing pain that was always eating at him. Without that distraction he was afraid he would come apart at the seams. Given too much idle time his mind would eventually shatter into a thousand pieces that no one would ever be able to put back together.

So he was willing to pay this price. It would hurt; he knew that. He expected the pain wouldn't end with his death either. He was ok with that. Pain he knew. Pain was his friend. He had danced with pain his whole life. Pain was really the only mistress that had never left him and the only one that had ever truly been real to him. He would willingly accept any pain he had coming in exchange for the possibility that his brother would someday know real happiness.

_I wish I could walk through_

_The doors of my mind_

_Hold memory close at hand_

_Help me understand the years_

_I wish I could choose between_

_Heaven and Hell_

_I wish I would save my soul_

_I'm so cold from fear  
_

The time had come. The clock struck twelve. All he could do was look into his brother's eyes and hope that Sam could read the feelings he saw there. He hoped he could see the depth of the love that he had always had for his brother. It was that love that led to this moment and so he couldn't find it within himself to be angry at his fate. He knew that, because of his choices, he would never see Sam again. Even in the afterlife he would be alone; no hope that in death they would be together again. He chose to spend his eternity in Hell so that Sammy could find a path to Heaven.

He hoped he was hiding from his brother the immense sadness that threatened to drown him. Not sadness for his own loss but for everything that Sam had been through. If he had never gone back and got him from Stanford…if he'd only left him alone to live his life…how different would things have been? The memory of Sam's screams in the night after losing Jess would haunt him in Hell and that was only right.

They said that your whole life flashed before your eyes in the moment of death. He didn't need to see his whole life; only certain moments. He never needed to relive all of the death and destruction he had witnessed. He had no need of revisiting the women he had known; the countless emotionless trysts that had helped to keep his walls firmly in place. He only wanted three memories to take with him into eternity, three moments that would sustain him through anything that Hell could hold in store for him…the last time he saw his mother smile, the moment that his father's spirit had shined on him emanating pride and warmth…and the first time Sam had spoken his name…when it still held the awe and love that can only be felt by a baby brother.

_I guess it's time I run_

_Far, far away_

_Find comfort in pain_

_All pleasure's the same_

_It just keeps me from trouble_

_Hides my true shape_

_Like Dorian Grey_

_I've heard what they say_

_But I'm not here for trouble_

_Far, far away_

_Find comfort in pain_

_All pleasure's the same_

_It just keeps me from trouble_

_It's more than just words_

_It's just tears and rain.  
_

The first cut of the claws into his skin burned like Hellfire itself. He tried not to scream. He didn't want his brother's last memory of him to be those screams. Instead he swallowed the pain, put the walls more firmly in place and reinforced the image of strength one last time. This would be his last gift to Sam. As the pain blinded him, his last thought was that it couldn't be raining…he was in a house…and yet he could feel the drops on his face…then the light within faded to darkness.

_Tears and rain…_

_Tears and rain…_

_Far, far away_

_Find comfort in pain_

_All pleasure's the same_

_It just keeps me from trouble_

_It's more than just words_

_It's just tears and rain.  
_

Sam leaned over his brother's body, not wanting to touch him, not wanting to face the reality of his death; his tears fell on his brother's face. As he looked into the lifeless eyes of his fallen brother his heart broke. Dean was his savior, his protector, his family…his brother. Dean had given everything for him and there would never be a way to honor that sacrifice enough. He prayed with every fiber of his being that, if there was a God, he would find some mercy for Dean. That somehow he would be able to find a way to, if not bring his brother back, at least free his soul from its shackles. Dean had lived and died in violence in order to save others from having to suffer it…he deserved to finally have some peace. He reached out gently, closing his brother's eyes and wiping their co-mingled tears from his face.


End file.
